why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
