just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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