allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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