I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
It's rum buckets o'clock
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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