the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
