she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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