I just googled if crying burns calories
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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