I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I intend to get homeless drunk
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
