I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
