She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
