but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
