I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
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