The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
