Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
