i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
