I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
last night I used snow as a chaser
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