She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
