I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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