I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
