Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
