i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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