By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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