the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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