I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
