my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
