Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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