got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
