OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
