you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
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