I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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