if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
