Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
