Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
