just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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