for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
