I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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