He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
