Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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