It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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