her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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