saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
