please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
