we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
It's never too late to be topless.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
