He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
