Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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