I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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