So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
