This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
