did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
