I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
